Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving