Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.