I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.