This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”