♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
You Might Also Like
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Yup!
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.