Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
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*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Worth the read.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.