You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.