Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.