[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔