sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
sry
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.