People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*