I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
blocked.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*