[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire