Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
You Might Also Like
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
what?
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.