Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
me and the Superbowl rn
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.