I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
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Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’m putting together a team
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too