If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Selfie