Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
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This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..