At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
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Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?