Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
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FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
#dnd #ttrpg
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational