*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
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they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
LA today:
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
(Electricians.)
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it