Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
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How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know