Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”