doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
We need more people like this.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.