We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.