[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Ken is short for chicken
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20