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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Imma just leave this here…………
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”