It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
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Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Phones down.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon