Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
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Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
The 6 types of sex
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.