BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
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6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils