Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.