just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English