that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
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My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*