Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Never ghost your hitman.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.