Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want