My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started