Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
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Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time