Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
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When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
There is no try. There is only give up.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*me flirting
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕