MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.