Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Love is in the air fryer.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?