The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Meow
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.