Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
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Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”