“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.