Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
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I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just a bush.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??