Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
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You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Dolls on drugs
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?