Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
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My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
War & Peace
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Good morning, Twitter x