i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you