Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen