Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
the three genders
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING