oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
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Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds